Author Archives: akpamos
Where am I?
Its a little too hard to differentiate
Either I’m still with this 80 year old lady selling herbs by the roadside
Or I’ve travelled on another long road trip with my mind
…..that’s the word
At least there’s a word for my condition……Thanks to a friend of mine
Why the squeeze on my face?
If only you had an idea what this woman has mixed up in these herbs…
Like she put the whole universe together in one cup…
Plus that burning taste of alcohol…that must be the sun
So why won’t I frown…
As I deliberate myself to take in scum
To light my chest ablaze
To bring sadness to my tongue
My friend William says it’ll help for my back ache…
He says it also makes sex last long…
With what I have to go through to take this crap in…
My Man William…
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After a week of swallowing the magical mystical pills, the unnamed woman says she began feeling constant sexual arousal. Each orgasm reportedly lasted between five and 20 seconds—not bad! On the tenth day of ingesting the medication, she could stand her pleasure no longer and checked herself into the hospital complaining of multiple spontaneous orgasms.
When she stopped taking the medication, the orgasms also stopped. When she began gobbling the pills again two weeks later—SPLAT!—on came the multiple unwelcome orgasms again, so she ceased and desisted with rasagiline altogether.
Neurological researchers in Turkey who’d examined the woman wrote in a study:
Here we report a patient with early-onset PD [Parkinson’s disease] who experienced spontaneous…
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We live we learn
1. If you have a hard time “taking her seriously” because you can see her figure
I love it when men talk about how women always claim to be victims or are inherently illogical beings or “the weaker sex.” Dudes can’t even focus on their schoolwork when a girl’s wearing yoga pants in class or figure out how to treat their female coworker as a human being because her button-up shows some cleavage one day. There’s so much struggle for a guy to figure out just to live his own life when there’s a female in the room — and it’s not up to women to coddle men. Not when the bar is set so low as “view women as human beings.” Nope. Not a woman’s responsibility.
2. Being attracted to you because you’re “one of the good ones”
I don’t care if we have the definition of “nice…
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After browsing through the archives of my personal blog during the peak of my use (sophomore year of college), I realized something: I made so many damn excuses.
Nothing was my fault. But more importantly, nothing was my good friend Alcohol’s fault.
I can see that so clearly now when reading through old posts where I had written about feeling depressed, having strained friendships, being frustrated with academics. It never even occurred to me that alcohol could be the root of all the blooming issues in my life – until getting sober that is.
In retrospect, there were signs I should have paid attention to.
1. Most of your social events are centered around drinking, and if there isn’t drinking, you feel disappointed or no longer want to attend. The only way you feel like you enjoy yourself is with alcohol in your system.
2. Nothing is ever…
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1. You’ve started to realize that using the very skills you were hired for will probably just end up disrupting the office status quo. You start thinking “I’d best put my head down and get the work done so I don’t get hassled” .
2. Your parents or loved ones look at your current situation like a broken down car that’s at the mechanic and will be fixed in a matter of days. Giving you phrases like “you’re so talented, they have to see that”, “Don’t worry God with do it”, and my personal favorite “your breakthrough is coming soon”.
3. You’ve finally fallen into depths that in the not so distant past you swore you’d never go to. I am of course talking about endorsing people on LinkedIn hope they’ll do you some favor.
4. Superiors assign you tasks that they think will take you at least a day to complete. It’ll probably take you about a half an hour.
5. You’ve finally stopped making smart-person remarks you learned during your overexpensive university education, because nobody in the office will have the slightest clue what you’re talking about.
6. You’ve debated buying glasses with very thick rims for the sole purpose of reminding yourself and other persons around that you are in fact, educated.
7. You pronounce the learned with a hard “ed” at the end. But you can’t afford to buy more than one book per month.
8. You used to look down upon people with jobs in food service or retail, but you’re slowly beginning to realize your job is not that rosy either.
9. You’re well past resenting your parents for urging you to turn your passion into a career. You now simply wished they channeled your interests towards something more practical and profitable. Like how John Jackson pushed the Jackson five.
10. When trying to make a budget for yourself, you’re never able to finish because knowing you can’t afford what you want is ultimately more depressing than simply hoping there will be enough money.
11. After looking at the prices of things, you spend hours trying to figure out how 70% of the world can afford to live.
12. Upon looking at the carefree statuses of your younger friends still in college, you’re not sure whether to laugh hysterically or punch your computer monitor into smithereens.
13. With increasing frequency, you’ve begun to skip lunch out of pragmatism. But you attend alumni dinners where people expect you could totally throw down $120 for the open bar fundraiser this weekend.
14. When espousing advice onto younger folks, you talk in alarmingly tired cliches like “I get paid to wake up early”, or “All you have to do is know how to a tie a tie.”
15. You have a series of built-in excuses as to why you can’t make the work happy hour, using lines like alcohol makes me sick or late night drinking is too risky.
16. You’ve perfected the “when an elder person asks you about your job” face. A curt smile. A subtle indication that this is all a lie.
17. You scored at higher than your direct superior in your ‘O’ Level, JAMB and CGPA results.
18. You realize that he/she probably took the older version of the exams, so you proceed to spend a good 30 minutes figuring out how much better you did percentage-wise. The result isn’t any less depressing.
19. When people your age ask you what you do, you stutter nervously for about five minutes, then vomit out an indecipherable string of words that are not very helpful in determining what it is you actually do.
20. You follow the previous scenario up with a trusty “it’s not what I want to be doing in the long-term, but it’s a job for now.”
21. You spend a good deal of time planning out highly implausible scenarios in which you’d triumphantly exit your cubicle dungeon, and bring down all the shitheads with you. Then you realize you kind of need this job because that house rent and transport fee aint gonna pay for itself.
22. You start to hate and resent your best friend for moving to Abuja, primarily because you can’t afford the flight to Abuja.
23. Upon reading this article’s headline, you immediately felt an extraordinarily intense self-righteous pang.
24. You begin to hate yourself for thinking you’re constantly better than the rest of society– because you’re realizing more and more that you actually might not be.
25. You’re right around the age of this list, and you’re not sitting pretty; where you thought you’d be at this age is now the goal for when you hit the big 3-0
1. This is not permanent. When you get upset, it’s so easy to let yourself spiral and think about the many ways in which your life is screwed. Its so easy for things to turn from “I’m having a bad day” to “I’m going to have a bad year” which can morph into “everything will always be terrible for me.” It’s unbelievably easy to trick yourself so quickly. It’s insane how the despair and hopelessness you feel can just take over and erase any logic and reason from your brain. In that moment, you are convinced you will never feel good again. You really do believe it.
Of course, it’s not true. This too shall pass, etc. etc. But really. IT WILL PASS. Time is a gift from the life gods. It can heal most things. Honest. A day or two later, you will be shocked by how different you feel. It’s actually a little frightening and just goes to show that you can’t really trust yourself when you’re feeling down.
2. Be in the present. When you’re unhappy, it’s tempting to think about the past and basically anything that’s not right in front of you. But the past is something you can never hold on to and obsessing over it will only further the unhappiness. You have to focus on putting your energy towards what’s happening this moment, even if this moment is the absolute worst.
3. Don’t be at war with yourself. Sometimes when I fall into a funk, I do this thing where I treat my unhappiness like it’s this force I have to fight against and it just makes me feel even crazier. This unhappiness is a part of you. It’s not a villain attacking your brain, although sometimes it might feel like it is. (Note: I’m not speaking about clinical depression and mental illness here. I’m talking about general “I’m upset because I pay attention” issues.) You can’t pit yourself against…yourself. Acknowledge that whatever is going on with you right now isn’t separate from who you are.
4. People love you. It sounds so silly and obvious but one of the hardest aspects of feeling depressed is the alienation that comes along with it. You really do feel alone and then that can cause you to question how strong your relationships are. Don’t go to that place! You are loved. Everybody is loved and people will be there for you if you let them. Recently, I experienced my first full-blown panic attack which then triggered this insane avalanche of depression and anxiety that buried me for a week. I didn’t really tell anyone about it for two days because I was worried that if I acknowledged it, it would actually become real. Then, one night, I went to dinner with one of my friends and broke down in tears, telling him what I had been going through. Although it was scary at first, it felt amazing to have that kind of emotional release. Then guess what happened? My friend confided in me about his own past struggles with anxiety and depression. It was nuts because I had never known that about him and hearing him vocalize his issues, which so closely mirrored mine, was such a relief. Going forward I promised myself that I wouldn’t keep quiet if I was going through a difficult time. It’s hard for me to tell someone, “I need you” but I learned that you gotta get over that fear if you ever want to feel better.
5. You have so many happy memories lying ahead, just waiting for you to claim them. Again, it’s corny as hell but that’s what you have to do to get out of a funk. You have to become embarrassingly optimistic and visualize happy days at the beach with your friends, running through sprinklers, or whatever image that evokes happiness for you. When I was going through my shit, the one thing that made me feel better was thinking about a vacation that I was going to go on soon with my friends. I’d call my mom and be like, “Uh, I feel like the world is swallowing me up and poking me with knives. Will I ever feel differently?” and my mom would say, “Ryan, just visualize your vacation and how much fun you’re going to have!” LOL, this is so mortifying. I feel like an emotionally defective five year old. Whatever. The point is that it worked. To be honest, I don’t know what the hell happened that triggered my panic attack and then the buffet of shitty emotions that came after it but focusing on the positives helped tremendously. Everyone deserves to live life the life they want but it’s not always easy to achieve and people often get int their own way. That’s the hardest and easiest thing to remember when you’re feeling down in the dumps. It is your choice to change it. It is up to you to get it together. No one else’s.
Jimi Heselden, owner of Segway, Inc., was killed when he drove his Segway off a cliff and he fell 213 feet into a river.
In 2006, a 26 year-old South Korean man died of exhaustion after playing a video game for 50 hours straight. He was at an internet café in Taegu where he’d spent the past two days plus playing StarCraft. The man had recently lost his job due to missing work to play the game.
A 44-year-old Montana man died while venturing out onto a highway at night in a camouflage suit and being hit by a car. He was wearing the suit in hopes of convincing people they had seen Bigfoot.
Sunandha Kumariratana was a princess in Thailand when she drowned while her servants watched. They could have helped, but they wereforbidden to touch her.
Kenneth Pinyan died having sex with a horse. 😦
28-year-old Jennifer Strange died during an attempt to win a Wii from a radio station in Sacramento. She was participating in a contest to drink the most water without urinating, and died of water intoxication.
In 2004 a Taiwanese woman was so worried about the SARS epidemic that she filled her bathtub with an alcohol mix that was 40% ethanol. She died of alcohol intoxication and a BAC of 1.25%.
Gary Hoy, a 38-year-old lawyer, was killed when he ran into a pane of glass in order to show how safe the windows were. The window pane stayed in tact but popped out of its frame, and he fell 24 floors to his death.
In 1985 a Canadian stuntman invented a specially cushioned barrel to survive long falls. He died in front of 35,000 people showcasing it when the barrel missed the water tank he intended to land in and instead crashedinto the ground.
In 1999 a gym teacher in Liverpool died following injuries sustained when he went to pick up a Javelin, tripped, and fell into it. He was impaled through the eye.
Heidi Montag’s plastic surgeon, Frank Ryan, may have been tweeting pictures of his dog when he accidentally drove off a cliff.
30-year-old Navy Lieutenant George M. Prior died after golfing, because hecarried the tees around in his mouth. He had an allergic reaction to the fungicide used on the course.
Tennessee Williams died while putting eyedrops in. He placed the cap in his mouth while he positioned himself and accidentally swallowed and choked on the lid. (Others believe he died from alcohol and drug overdose.)
In 1979 Nitaro Ito was vying for a seat in Japan’s House of Representatives. He tried to gain sympathy with voters by having someone punch him and then stabbing himself in the leg, he bled to death instead.
A 21-year-old tweeted “Drunk af going 120 drifting corners #FuckIt YOLO” before crashing his car—killing himself and four other people.
The guy that invented “no taxation without representation” prior to the Revolutionary War told his friends he wanted to die by being struck by lightning—and did. (Not sure if this is an embarrassing “be careful what you wish for” thing or just really badass.)
Geoffrey Haywood pretended to be blind to get attention. While walking with a white stick at night he fell into a ditch and drowned.
The first emperor of China died in 210 BCE after ingesting mercury pills he thought would make him immortal.
Daredevil Bobby Leach, the first man to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, died after complications of slipping on an orange peel.
A man bet two women $4,300 that he could have sex for twelve hours. He won the bet, but died almost immediately—he’d downed an entire bottle of Viagra.
Kurt Godel, a gifted logician and mathematician, was so paranoid of being poisoned that he would only eat if his wife had cooked it for him. When she was hospitalized for something unrelated, he starved to death.
1. “Real people” are a myth
Congratulations: you got a job, and now you’re a “real person.” You and the guy at the desk next to you who spends the whole workday fleshing out his Twitter persona. Just like when you lost your virginity, you spent the first week with a smile on your face, right until you realized that everything’s the same as it was before. This secret society of “real people,” with their salaries and their employee benefits, are just scraping by, the way you and your friends did mere months ago in school.
2. Hating your job can be productive if you make it so
Simply hating your job is for underachievers, and if you were an underachiever then you wouldn’t be here in the first place (supposedly). Instead of loafing around and Facebook chatting with your friends (who are also bored at work, and who agree that the eight hour workday is an archaic holdover from the industrial era), use those critical thinking skills you bought with $60,000 of loans. What in particular do you hate about your job? How much of that can you change on your own? What can’t you change, and can you look out for those things in a couple weeks, when you start scrolling through Craigslist postings again? Most importantly, what is this company doing horribly wrong, and how can the company that you’re going to start with Kickstarter money steal all their business?
3. You can listen to more music/podcasts during a week of work than you have in an entire year
Remember that sprawling list of artists you “need” to listen to? The one you wrote out on six or seven sticky notes? You’ll mow through it in four days. Monday will be the day you get around to listening to everything Bowie ever recorded (or at least all the stuff he did on cocaine). Then you’ll spend Tuesday wondering why the hell everyone your age gets “nostalgic” over Neutral Milk Hotel, when they can’t possibly have heard them until they got to college. Then you’ll realize how great podcasts are, until you get sick of the ones you started out with. (Most of the worthwhile ones aren’t on iTunes.)
Eventually you’ll have a week where you listen to nothing but singer-songwriters. You never really got into them before, but something about the cubicle makes the image of the lonely soloist very relatable.
4. Unemployed people are easily impressed
That Facebook status about your new found employment got you more likes than you’ve ever gotten. When you meet with your friends for the first time since the announcement, your gig is always the first thing they ask you about, their eyes wide with equal parts awe and envy. You were in their position only weeks ago, and something about that is a little sad. It occurs to you that most of the employed people who made you feel humbled and inferior probably hate their jobs as much as you hate yours.
You pay for your friend’s drink, despite how insecure you know they feel about it. “You’re, like, a real person.” There it is again.
5. Employment makes you miss unemployment, and vice versa
Employed You: Why do they insist on making this office a fucking meat freezer? I miss the sun.
Unemployed You: Why haven’t I bought an air conditioner yet? I miss my dorm.
Employed You: I wish I didn’t have to rely on instant dinners. I miss cooking myself elaborate meals with every pot and pan I own, and having the time to clean it all up afterwards.
Unemployed You: I wish I could afford to make something other than an inconsistent stew of beans, veggies, and my roommate’s cumin.
Employed You: God it would be great to wake up at 11:15 and then go on an hour-long jog like I used to.
Unemployed You: God it would be great to have a reason to wake up in the morning.
6. Nothing is forever
All that stuff your parents said (along with Avenue Q and Buddha) about everything being “just for now”–all of it is true.
Remember when you were a teenager, and you were utterly certain that your experiences were totally independent from those thousands of books about adolescence, and hormones, and periods and wet dreams and whatnot? Remember how utterly wrong you were about that? What’s the likelihood that you’re not utterly wrong about this, too?
Accept the cliches for what they are. Take things one day at a time, and adapt to your situation. You were worrying about the future last month; now here you are, and clearly wasn’t worth all the chewed-up fingernails. In all likelihood, it never will be.
Have you ever thought to yourself, I am a damn PEASANT. If this were the effing middle ages I would be that guy cleaning the Lord’s table after a giant feast! Then at the end of the feast I’d sneak table scraps to my family. As of now, I stand about as low on the caste system ladder as humanly possible. I am working 70 hours a week between two jobs, neither of which are respected or glamorous. My jobs are grounds keeping peasant at a country club, and table-cleaning peasant at a restaurant. This is what I’ve learned thus far.
1. Peasants don’t get the same holidays as the Counts and Countesses. Take off 4th of July? LOL, yeah right. We don’t deserve time off.
2. Despite working longer and harder hours than the people who occupy the castle and all the great riches of the world, I will never even have close to what they have.
3. When the Lords and Ladies show courtesy it’s the only real reward for the peasant. Finally someone acknowledges that you’re actually a human being.
4. The American dream only happens when I’m sleeping.
6. When a Lord or Lady is near you are supposed to remain out of their way and become scenery like a bush or road or the sky. Be invisible, be nothing because that’s what you’re worth.
7. People who have things should get more things before people who have nothing get anything.
8. Being a peasant makes you more aware of other peasants. Peasants like you are everywhere! Car washing peasants, serving peasants, cooking peasants, cleaning peasants!
9. Romantic interests should only be other peasants, because it is forbidden/frowned upon for sons and daughters of nobility to associate with the help.
10. Slapping people in the face should be considered socially acceptable in order to restore respect and level the playing field.
11. Money does not make someone classy.
12. Without peasants the world would cease to function. (The world needs ditch diggers as much as it needs lawyers.)
13. College starts in one month and being a peasant may not be your ultimate fate… At least until next summer or graduation….
Its about time
I need a reason to write.
Yes, the post before this one (if you actually wasted your time reading it), was borne from this problem;
I feel like I have nothing to write about anymore.
I took up a job as a writer for GreenlightNG. I write for them twice a week; nothing fancy, just articles reporting things that I consider interesting. I have no idea why I did, seeing as I’ve been wailing about how I never have time to write anymore. But I felt like I needed it. I needed something to make me open a word document and type something that isn’t related to anything I do between the hours of nine to five on a weekday.
My girlfriend asked me yesterday; “Does the maverick no longer have a perspective?”… I didn’t tell her, but that was one of the most painful questions I’ve been asked…
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