“Being obstinate is part of human nature. Even when we know the truth, telling it to ourselves is one of the most difficult things for a person to do.”
I’m sitting here, wondering how far I’ve come; how much I’ve learned. Telling myself the truth would, more often than not, save me a lot of trouble. If anyone should have learned that by now, it should be me. My life has been a map drawn from the many errors that’ve left enough hair line cracks across the face of my soul to trace my mistakes into a recognizable pattern.
But do I learn from them?
Drawn to dysfunction, I seem to find myself in the same position, manifested in different manners. In the midst of the smoke I see the red lasers. The alarms in my head go off when I trip them. To run or not? Remains to be…
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1. Not planning anything, ever.
Only agreeing to partake in festivities that are happening in the very near future or that exact moment is common procedure these days. While spontaneity is a thing of beauty, penciling in premeditated hang-outs occasionally won’t kill you.
2. Bashing any type of faith.
The casualness with which people are willing to mock or criticize those who believe in God baffles me. We’re all entitled to put out trust in a higher power, science or whatever we choose to believe, but judging and mocking the beliefs of others is offensive and shouldn’t be nearly as common as it is.
I hate ‘em, and I know a lot of you do too. Really dress codes in general are
wearing on my patience, but indecent exposure fines would empty the pockets that I wouldn’t have on my pant-less bottom.
4. Grown adults with poor hygiene.
Hey, stinky grown ups — if you have access to soap and showers and deodorant, and there wherewithal to know how funky you are, why do you continue smelling like you should glow in the dark? Use that body wash and don’t be bashful! YOU DON’T HAVE TO SMELL LIKE HOT GARBAGE. YOU CAN BE BETTER. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY.
5. The misconception that silence = awkward.
Silence is golden, but instead of leaving it be, people insist on filling its void with small talk. Ramblings about weather, how-are-you’s, current events and other topics that neither party is genuinely interested in discussing. I mean seriously, if the options are my thoughts on scattered storms and absolutely nothing, wouldn’t you prefer the sound of me not doing my best Al Roker impression?
6. Answering things.
A knock at the door, your vibrating phone, the holler from across the room by the person who clearly sees that you’re wearing headphones. Why are
you considered rude if you don’t feel like greeting an unexpected call for conversational duty? If the ‘Ignore’ button didn’t do such a poor job of exposing our desire not to talk to people, I’m sure many of you would be keen on using it. Instead we let it ring, because the worst thing you can do is not feel like speaking to somebody at the exact moment they’re seeking you out. Still, when I hear a doorbell or a knock, I instinctually dive to a hidden area can’t possibly be visible, even through the tiniest opening through the blinds.
7. Being occupied by electronic devices while in the middle of a social meeting (e.g. lunch, a party, hanging out at the bar, etc.).
YOU ARE HERE WITH PEOPLE, why be there is you aren’t going to be present? The comfort people currently have with tapping, scrolling and Instagram-ing their way through entire meals leads me to believe that we won’t even make eye contact with each other anymore after the iPhone 7’s release.
Why bother looking up? I can see you right here on Facebook!8. Beating around the bush and pretending not to care instead of being straightforward and letting someone know how you feel. I like you. I like the symmetry of your face and the way your voice sounds, can we get to know each other better? We can’t be open about liking people because friendly is creepy, brave is desperate and careless is cool.
9. Folks anticipating getting wasted all week.
They literally survive Monday through Friday with the sole intent of reaching the weekend and getting hammered. That’s literally what people do, put up with five days of misery for two days of heavy alcohol consumption. In stride it’s a normality, but on paper it seems strange. That lifestyle is not far off from the motto of James Franco’s character, Alien in
Spring Breakers, who philosophically declared that life is in fact all about big booties and bikinis, y’all. Which brings me to the next point…
10. The setup of clubs.
Is everything about clubs not awful? The shady promoters, the long lines in which you have 15-20 minutes to evaluate how life got you between the stupid velvet ropes of this stanchion, the extreme body heat inside, the way overpriced alcohol, the loud, LOUD music that makes it impossible to hold a conversation and leaves your ears ringing afterward. And it’s mostly stuff like Pitbull. Hours of sweating, being bumped into and spilling your drink, all while Pitbull screams Spanish gibberish into your eardrums.
Yotengoculoculo Washington DC! Jugarbailerquelastima Los Angeles! Ahoragustavofringqualeslafetchadehoy New York City!… Dale! On second thought, maybe it’s the fact that Pitbull’s music is socially acceptable that’s really alarming here.
11. Emotional males being ostracized.
Why can’t dudes be passionate or fall hard or care deeply about things, to the point where they’re capable of being moved to tears?
12. Adult’s worshiping celebrities.
Kids too, but especially adults. If you want an example of what I’m talking about, say something about Beyoncé that isn’t praise and watch her hive of over the top fans attack you, and speak of her as if she’s anything more than a talented human. Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj and a select few other artists have these aggressive fan bases full of grown people who will verbally abuse anyone with a differing opinion from them. I get it, you like the way Beyoncé sings and performs, but this notion that she, or any other celebrity are some kind of celestial, divine being is beyond creepy.
1. Post orgasm emotions feature a drastic shift in a man’s entire mood and mindset. I present to you, the inner monologue of a dude immediately before and directly after an orgasm:
Yeah that’s so sexy. Look at those *explicit slang term for body parts*. Oh yes, so hot, so nice. So turned on, sex thoughts forever…. (finishes)… I wonder what happened to my GameCube? It’s probably in my parents’ garage. I want a breakfast burrito. I should go buy a breakfast burrito and head to the parentals’ house to track down my GameCube. Good God, let me turn off this video, how was I even watching this mess?
2. As far as hand jobs go, it’s safe to say we’re good in that department. It’s really nice of you to try, but imagine a chef who has mastered the art of grilled cheese making. This chef prepares at least one grilled cheese every single day, sometimes two, sometimes five or even eight! So, he’s pretty damned good at making these bad boys, but one day you come along all high and mighty with your spatula in hand, and make a dry, rough, slightly painful grilled cheese sandwich. It’s a kind gesture, but I mean c’mon, you’re dealing with a guru of self-pleasure/grilled cheeses.
3. If you ask what’s wrong and we say “nothing,” we very well may mean it. There aren’t necessarily any emotions being suppressed or unspoken qualms, we can be completely silent and content simultaneously.
4. We aren’t immune to pain, physical or emotional. Back of the arm pinches aren’t an adorable way of interacting and should be banned from all horseplay because they are excruciating. As far as emotions go, by saying rude things during an argument you might sometimes hits home and make us feel all bummed inside.
5. Having balls is just as, if not more obnoxious than possessing boobs. They stick to our thighs, dangle uncomfortably in no man’s land and if ever accidentally sat on, cause a great deal of pain. Speaking of which…
6. Just how miserable it feels to get tapped, kicked, punched or have any contact to your testicles. Basically anything above a caressing, licking level doesn’t feel good. When they itch, we know how to pinch and twist like pros, but aside from that, they need not be bothered.
7. Having the unfortunate social norm that requires men to be the initiator of all things dating related can be stressful/unfair. In addition, if you knew just how much thought & effort we sometimes spend on approaching and courting you, you’d probably be freaked out. No joke, we even waste a lot of time specifically concocting plans that make it seem like we
didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about you.
8. Occasionally a man may wonder what it feels like to be the little spoon. Don’t be selfish, everybody should serve their share of big spoon duties.
9. Sometimes our pee streams divide into two, and when they do it’s the sum of all messy, bathroom fears coming to fruition. It sucks because peeing is supposed to be fun. We zip ‘em down, whip it out and practice our marksmanship, aiming at any stains inside the toilet bowel as targets, but no, not when this unpredictable tragedy strikes.
10. We don’t even know what split ends look like, so you don’t have to worry about fixing them unless it’ll make
you feel better. I’d be more likely to identify a little known galaxy in the sky before I could point out whatever a split end is.
11. We overthink things too. Society and Jenna Marbles might lead you to believe that man brains are like SEX, SPORTS, BEER, and it may be accurate sometimes, but somewhere in there are additional, deeper thoughts. The same thing goes for insecurities. Guys also sit there considering the possible underlying tones that, “What’s up?” text may have had.
12. Men have lackluster hygiene products. The deodorants, shampoos, lotions and other products are significantly better in smell and quality than ours are.
13. Sometimes the alcoholic beverages that are considered “girly” are exactly what a man’s heart desires, and he shouldn’t be ostracized or criticized for this. I know you want all the mojitos to yourself, but the trend that gives you the rights to delicious, colorful, fruity drinks while we muster up the courage to down whisky is flat out unfair.
14. If you play hard to get that’s one thing, but purposely trying to make us jealous by flirting with other guys or talking about your ex-boyfriend will NOT make you more appealing.
15. Often times men don’t actually think women are right about disagreements, but we succumb to arguments because vagina.
I’m on a war against bullshit.
Not other people’s bullshit. That war is unwinnable.
Everyone lives in their own private bullshitorium and they will never leave it even to say “hello” to you.
But my own bullshit…
I can’t stand when I’m thinking or saying something and then I realize, “I just lost the battle against my own bullshit, ONCE AGAIN”.
Here’s five quotes that help me win the battle, at least with myself.
— “There’s always a very good reason and there’s always a real reason.”
When people give you their bullshit reason for doing something always assume they are giving you a good reason but not the real reason.
Example: my 14 year old wants to see the movie “Jaws” tonight that’s playing outdoors by the river.
“It’s a classic and I’ve never seen it,” she says. That sounds like a good reason. The real reason is that friends will be there and she wants to hang out with friends, maybe BOYS.
Or when the girl says, “I’m really tired today. Can I see you some other time?” That might be a very good reason. But the real reason is she didn’t like me. Ok. Fine.
But for me, I always want to give the real reason. Not just a bullshit good reason.
Another time I wanted to sell an investment and it required permission of the CEO. The good reason was “it would look bad to other shareholders”.
The real reason was, “I don’t want you to have money.”
Which leads me to the next quote.
“I don’t worry about what’s in your wallet. I only worry about what’s in my wallet.”Too many people want to know what’s in everyone else’s wallet.
That’s why jobs suck. Because you can never make more money than your boss even if you are more valuable. The master will simply refuse to free the slave.
Every time you work for someone you limit the money you could be making.
Smart people focus on what’s in their wallet because that’s how they make money. The fastest way I’ve lost all my money was when I spent too much time wondering what everyone else had.
Despairing because I thought I had so little.
Which leads me to
“Infinite patience gets you immediate results.”I get impatient for everything. And then I don’t sleep, and I pace, and I hunger, and I’m left empty.
When I remind myself of that quote I’m no longer empty. I have patience.
If you are going from a state of “I want it now!” to a state of patience then you will feel less anxious about getting “it”, whatever “it” is.
The second result is when you are less anxious you are more likely to focus on ways you can achieve whatever it is you are trying to get.
Or you may discover, magic of all magics, that you don’t really need whatever it is you were anxious for. You have infinite patience now. It turns out you can be happy without it.
Better to have no goals than bullshit goals. And almost all goals are bullshit goals.
This works in negotiation also. It’s Negotiations 101 if you go into a negotiation with the attitude, “I can take this or leave it” then you will get what you want out of the negotiation. No other rule of negotiating is as important.
“Steal and get Rich”Randy introduced me to Wyclef Jean from the Fugees. Wyclef was pretty focused on all the girls around him so we weren’t able to have a deep and soulful conversation.
As we were walking away, Randy said, “Wyclef just licensed ‘Staying Alive’ and is going to do some rap around it. That will trivially make it to platinum”. Rap + Staying Alive.
It’s like Roy Lichtenstein in the 50s taking cartoon strips from “True Romance” and applying his pop style to it. “True Romance” + pop art == commercial success.
Or Daniel Kahneman taking “behavior psychology” and combining it with economics to come up with some theory that got him a Nobel Prize.
If you steal you have to be clever. Take something old and something new and put them together. Like the bestselling novel “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies”. One reviewer said it was “100 percent terrible”.
But it sold over 100,000 copies, was a NYT Bestseller, and a comic book, a movie, and two sequels were written. Not so bad.
Sometimes I steal from myself. I take old posts written on this blog and I completely rewrite them. My style has changed in the past three years. I like taking old style + new style to create new stories.
Finally, I like this quote:
“Criticism is futile.”How often do we try to argue with people?
Have they ever once said, “thank you for pointing out to me that I’m inferior as a human being. I’m going to go lie down in a garbage can now.”
I bet they have never said that. I will bet you one million dollars right now.
And yet…and yet… you want to bring out the bullshit, don’t you. You want to argue with someone right now.
Why add their bullshit to my bullshit. I have enough on my plate. Why argue with them about their plate?
Arguing with people is like reading your email at 4 in the morning. There is absolutely no good that can come of it. It’s just like scratching an itch. Scratch and you bleed. Nobody else.
I could throw in another quote. The other quote is: “Nobody ever takes advice”. But I’m going to leave it out. Nobody would pay attention anyway.
Amosquito!!! Yeah i said it… call me AMOSQUITO!
Most believe its a name thats leaves nothing to be desired ha! What do you know?
Running through life with your misrable lives controlled by sentiments, bowing to social pressure, being consumed by popular culture creations like JUSTIN BIEBER! “argh!”
And you want to mock me?
Throughout my whole life I’ve been hunted by this very nickname (“NICK” being the operative word here, cause its meant to hurt) used by my tormentors as a way to ridicule, demean and control my person. For a time these words were a bane to my existence flooding my daily life with irritation, annoyance and resentment which left me thinking Why can’t people just let me be? Every new gathering I encounted a-mosquito was a reference i could not escape from.
In clearly isolated incidents that turnedout to be a coincidence, people seem to end up assigning me the same NICKname “Guy why u thin like mosquito? and your name com be Amos … a-ha! You are A-MOS-QUITO!
Ha ha still have to love the irony.
I was troubled by this for a time until i realised this, though not in the same exact words but Geoffrey F. Abert said it best
“When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life.”
And so the next time I was asked what my name was, I just told people A-MOS-QUITO then after a few minutes of laughter they got over it. Leaving me wondering why i was down in the first place, all am trying to says is; it dosen’t matter what you call yourself or what you’re called just as long as you’re in control it will all be fine.
Saw this write up and couldn’t help but think about my girlfriend and her current state.
Read and weep fellas.
What constitutes cheating? I used to think I would never be the kind of person who cheated. All I wanted was a good guy who was loyal and faithful and had eyes for only me. But I guess, as the saying goes, ‘never say never’, I counted my chickens before they hatched.
38 months into a committed serious long distance relationship and it happened. I fell for someone else. I cheated on my boyfriend whom I was so sure I was gonna eventually end up marrying. People change I guess? I started finding out this relationship wasn’t what I wanted now and I coulnd’t help myself. My feelings grew enormously for the other guy. Let’s call him A. A was sweet, detached and not ready to commit. Just what I needed. A kiss led to more kisses and ended up in mind blowing sex and when mind blowing sex happened, I suddenly tuned off in my head. My feelings started to fade away just as he was ready to commit to me. I did not want commitment, I wanted someone to occupy my free time with. I loved the attention. I loved that I could make him finally want to commit, since he had commitment issues but it freaked me out when he wanted to start getting serious with me. During this time I also lied to him that I had broken up with my boyfriend and of course never told my boyfriend I fucked somebody else.
While A was getting all lovey dovey I kept my distance and met X. X blew my mind too. X had been there all along but I never really gave him any notice or attention. I never really saw him in that way and despite his many attempts to get to know me, I brushed him off. And then one wild Thursday night happened and we both got drunk and we both got carried away and he kissed me. A long, slow kiss that stirred something in the bottom of my abdomen. That night I went home with him and continued kissing him for hours. Then I told him I was jaded and fucked up so if his game was to fuck me, then he should get it over and done with, but he told me he was after my heart first and that the sex could wait. And I think I fell for him right there and then. Told you I was spiralling. I went back that morning, and broke up with my boyfriend. Didn’t give him the truth he deserved to know. He knew we were crashing for a while and I said I was simply tired and needed time for myself, not a crashing relationship. I never had the guts to admit that I was not in love with him anymore or that I cheated. After all I was doing what was best for me no? I was looking out for myself and making bad strange decisions that made me happy.
So I’ve decided to give X a go, and am currently totally completely infactuated. Happened in just 3 days. Crazy I know, but hey, I’m happy and at the end of the day isn’t that what we all strive for? Every man for himself?
1. People have an incredible propensity to hold within them a beast of jealousy that, now again, they cannot control. The things that unleash this monster are what they don’t have and can’t be. They will try to devalue you by any means possible. It’s best to just take it as an indicator that you have something worth having or you are someone worth envying.
2. The only effect it can have on you is however much you let yourself believe it’s true. The opinions of others only change you if you let them. If you weren’t somehow made aware of them, you’d have no idea anyway. You cannot, and will never be able to control how other people think, feel or behave. Nor should you try. You can, however, decide to what extent you are going to let them change who you are.
3. The only person something needs to matter to is you. If it is in your life, and you are the person who is choosing to experience, live or attempt it, it is not the concern of anyone else. I know it’s difficult when people are firing insults at you and it’s really hurting, but this, my friends, is just life.
4. We tend to take one thing someone says and spiral, assuming the absolute worst about ourselves. Don’t go down the rabbit hole.
5. They’re criticizing themselves more than anything. I’ve found this to be tried and true. The things that irritate us most are the things we like about ourselves. So you have to realize that someone disliking you or having a negative opinion most likely has a lot more to do with them than you.
6. The idea that you will one day reach a place where you are universally liked and accepted is a delusional fantasy. You have to accept that that will never be reality. More importantly, you have not failed because people have differing opinions about you or something you do. It’s just the fact that you probably assumed otherwise.
7. It will not matter eventually. Think about the things you struggled with 5 years ago, and now irrelevant they are… if you can even remember them at all. The same concept applies to the future. It’s just a poor use of your energy and will do nothing but compromise the time you have now.
8. Many great people and ideas were harshly criticized and unacknowledged initially. Sometimes you just have to give people some time to catch up. Most people are really put off by change or anything that disrupts the flow they are used to. It’s okay, we all need some adjustment time.
9. If someone takes the time to talk about you, or express an opinion about you even when it’s not favorable, you are someone worth talking about. You’ve done something that has gotten their attention. You’re not irrelevant, you’re not worthless. You have, in your own small way, joined the ranks of those who are influential enough to elicit a response from people. Be proud of yourself. Take it as it comes. Don’t apply a connotation to it. Just let it be.
10. Nobody who really loves you will love you less if they hear and/or even agree with that opinion. Isn’t that what scares us most? That we’ll lose what we most value in life… in many cases, the love of those who matter? But the people who are worth keeping around will not be affected by other people’s harsh words. They won’t. They’ll love you regardless of flaw or criticism.
A wonderfully feminine word that got a bad rap, felony is a fine name for a girl. It’s really just an F’d-up version of Melanie, which is an acceptable name. So you change a couple letters and turn Melanie into Felony – does that make it a crime? Felony is the carefree tomboy or maybe the rebellious wild child. A little bit dangerous and a lotta bit sexy! I’m surprised there’s not already a porn star named Felony. Perhaps there is – I don’t watch porn. Not since that “misunderstanding” with the public library computer. A woman named Felony might have to put up with sleaze-ball pick-up lines about “arresting beauty” or “so good-lookin’ it should be against the law,” but a face-full of apple-tini and a Prada pump in the groin will shut them up quick. That’s how chicks named Felony roll!
Used as a name, Anorexia sounds like a funky, phonetic mash-up of Anastasia and Alexandria. Those are both cool names, so obviously a combo of the two would be doubly cool, right? Plus there are all sorts of potential nicknames: Ann. Nora. Rexy. Okay, I know what you’re thinking. What parent in their right mind would stigmatize a child with the name Anorexia? Wouldn’t they be laying the psychological groundwork for years of painful and expensive therapy? Not necessarily. Consider girls named Gertrude or Beatrice who buck the odds and grow up to be superhot. Most likely, someone named Anorexia would probably do everything possible to avoid resembling her name. The same concept applies to guys named Dick.
Here’s another lovely word with daughter-naming potential, except for the whole urinary tract association. Sounds similar to Aretha, as in Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul. Heck, for all we know her parents planned on naming her Urethra, but had a little trouble with the spelling. Wouldn’t be the first time. That’s how some other parents who took the name Orpah from the Book of Ruth inadvertently named their daughter Oprah. Why else is Urethra a good name? Besides the prior examples, which show that an interesting name can lead to fame and fortune, there is also the growing trend of using unique names (Shaniqua) or unique spellings of traditional names (Trystyn), with no regard to the social and vocational challenges such children will face. Based on these observations, you can’t go wrong with Urethra. For those of you into the aforementioned goofy-spelling thing, that would be Yureethrah.
Gonorrhea & Syphilis
How did two sexually transmitted diseases come to be named with such pretty words? Almost biblical, like they’re from scripture: “And Jesus did enter the land of Gonorrhea and spake atop Mount Syphilis.” What a shame. Maybe that was the idea behind these words. Hide the shame of your oozing, pustuled privates with the sweet-sounding words gonorrhea and syphilis. So lyrical. Conjures up images of Greek goddesses. The statuesque, porcelain-skinned goddesses of one-night-stands and unprotected sex, sure, but still goddesses, with beautiful, lilting names. They’d be perfect for twins. Practical, too. Normally a father gets nervous seeing his little girl grow up and start to date. Rest easy, Dad. No high school horn-dog is going to want to get in the pants of Gonorrhea or Syphilis. Unless they’re super hot.
Most people have had sex in a car or some public place before, but have you ever gotten it on (or pleasured yourself) somewhere that made you feel genuinely naughty? I went over to AskReddit to collect some good strange sex location tales.
When I was a kid I masturbated in the back seat, sitting upright, while my mom and sister were in the front seat. I had a pillow laying across my lap. I just was driven crazy by the need to play with myself… And after I came, I was unbelievably paranoid and ashamed. As far as I know, they never knew or mentioned it. I’m a girl, for reference.
Handjob in the back of a cop car
Inside an old church, with the pastors daughter.
12 year old me masterbated in the back seat of the family van. While on a road trip.
Had sex in a display storage shed at Menards… It was… Just the right amount of trashy. Not quite Lowes but definitely better than Home Depot.
On my 18th birthday I had sex on top of a cement mixing plant. Last week I received a BJ in a cave.
Got a blowjob during the middle of a game of mini-putt. That shit was awesome
I fingered my ex in the line for Space mountain at Disneyland. Actually, I fingered her all over Disneyland now that I think of it
I fucked a girl in a porta-potty on Spring Break.
I stuck a french-fry up my ass in a public pool once.
Had sex in a hotel room about 4 feet away from my ex’s sleeping mother.
2003 Invasion of Iraq front lines outside an-Nasiriya. We had gone with little to no sleep for days in an intense environment. There was no fun, no joy, just shit. I was on watch at night while everyone else in my fighting hole slept. I whipped it out and jacked it slowly so that I would last the entire watch. It helped with entertainment and staying awake, plus we all know we can hear everything when we’re jacking off.
had sex with my teacher in her lexus on the football field.
hotel room at the beach. got out of the shower and my GF at the time was standing on the 6th story balcony flashing a couple of guys on the boardwalk. she felt bad and apologized. i told her that i thought it was kind of hot and to keep doing it. before you know it she was naked and showing off all the goods to a crowd that had gathered to watch the show… maybe 15 people. before long she turned around and told me that her exhibition turned her on more than anything she had ever done and told me she wanted me to bang her in front of everyone. i obliged. by the time we were done a rather large crowd had gathered (25-30 people maybe) needless to say it was quite the thrill but i don’t think i would ever have the balls to try it again mostly out of fear of getting arrested.
Masturbation…in the living room…while we were all watching a movie…and apparently it was really obvious because my mother had to tell me to take the jerk to the bathroom
Convent, while doing community service towards my confirmation.
houston, tx rush hour traffic like 8 or 9 yrs ago, me and my ex gf went into the trunk through backeat and got it on, during which i pop the kidnap handle and all the traffic saw my bare white ass and honked in approval it was the high point of my sex to date
One time while I was mowing the lawn I realized I really had to piss. Like really badly. I thought about going inside, but then I was like, “I should just piss out here”. So I did. But I was frightened from possibly being caught, and for some reason this gave me a boner. A fear boner. After I was done, I still had the boner. Not only that, but I was really fucking horny. I looked around to make sure no one was paying attention, and then whipped out my dick and jerked that thing hard. Just right there in my yard. Where any of my neighbors could have seen me. I came, and it was one of the most incredible orgasms I’ve ever had. Surprisingly enough, no one saw anything. I wouldn’t recommend doing this, though. You might get the cops called on you.
The world seems to think men are supposed to be assertive yet deferential, aloof yet emotionally supportive, a conversationalist but also a beast in the bedroom. Every time we speak to women, whether at a party, at work, or in the privacy of your thin-walled Greenpoint bedroom, we are expected to put on a perfect show: to be charming yet genuine, to draw you in, but not too hard or too fast. It seems like women are always complaining about men, because a irresolvable conundrum has been established: Be A Man but don’t be That Kind Of Guy. Desire us sexually, but not just for sex, treat us like an equal, but Take The Lead. It can sometimes seem like an impossible and tedious chore pleasing you.
For so much of our romantic life, we are treated like prizes. You brag about us to your girlfriends, you trawl our Facebook photos lustfully, you demand our attention through text and through increasing demands on our time. You want us to be by your side at whatever event you’re attending, so people know “I’ve got a man.” If we don’t feel like being turned into a Boyfriend Prize, if we’re not sure we want to commit to you, then eventually there’s a fight, and phrases like “you just wanted me for the sex” and “apparently you don’t really care about me” are thrown around.
How many relationships become increasingly tedious, regrettable Friendships With Benefits? A new girl can become essentially an activity partner. Chief among those activities: sex. With ambiguous relationships becoming more and more common, and with more men unwilling to be turned into a Boyfriend Prize, and always curious to see what else is out there, there’s a temptation to never move past this stage. For what? To be pressured into moving in together or to get married? Who really wants to spend thousands of dollars to Show The World that you Really Love a woman when every girl you really love tends to be the kind that doesn’t want a relationship, doesn’t want to be tied down, and has wayward eyes much like your own?
Sure we want to be loved, but it’s difficult to see love happening in the context of a committed relationship with someone who believes in archaic institutions like marriage and seemingly wants validation and social status more than love. You don’t want to be The Single, Lonely Girl, and you care more about what other people think about you (read: other girls) than you care about me or any guy. That’s how it feels sometimes. You’re trying to win in competition against other girls. Well, as I’ve already stated, me, and many other guys, don’t want to be a prize. Who’s really getting objectified?
But in the love I dream of, that I don’t know if I’ll ever have, I’m a human, interacting with another human, and it’s not about who’s The Man and who’s His Girl, and it’s not about Our Relationship or Where This Is Going or Taking The Next Step. I’m sure I’m not the only man who feels this way. We want to be valued whether or not we are confident and funny that day. We want you to understand that just because we sound sad, negative, and cynical right now, that doesn’t have to define us. Sometimes we want to talk about it, and sometimes we don’t. If you can talk with us as humans, with philosophical viewpoints, and be realistic about life, and how hard it can be, and stop trying to paint over the shittiness and the lustfulness and confusion and maddening darkness of being a human, not paint over that with some romantic narrative for our lives that you borrowed from an inane romantic comedy, then we can have real conversations, and we can have a real relationship, and maybe, just maybe, we can have real love.